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Post by riotgirlheather on Apr 22, 2011 22:44:42 GMT -8
I have gone through the worst pain I've had to go through. Worse than my miscarriages, worse than losing my first love thrice, worse than anything yet. A few days ago, I lost my daddy. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost without him. I know he's not hurting anymore, and there's a tiny bit of comfort in that, but I'm an Athiest. I don't believe in a god, a heaven, or a hell. I don't really believe in much of an afterlife, so there's no comfort there. I believe in ghosts and stuff like that, but I wouldn't want my dad to be stuck wandering around. I've just been wandering around, like a zombie, the past few days. I've been having to keep it together for my mom. She started dating my dad when she was fourteen and they were married for 36 years. I only had my daddy for 25. I feel robbed. I feel like he should've been healthy and around for so much longer. The random chaos of the universe took my daddy and I'm pissed. The nurses or doctors or whoever at the hospital, when my dad was there two weeks ago, gave him a pneumonia shot. One of the side effects of this shot is...wait for it...pneumonia related death. The amount of time it takes for people to get sick from it...around two weeks. My dad's cause of death was pneumonia. My daddy would still be with me if it weren't for the idiots at the hospital. It's just not fair. I still need my dad. I haven't gotten married or had kids yet. He'll never walk me down the aisle, which negates any need to have a wedding, and he'll never meet his grandkids. I just want my daddy back. I would've given anything to cure him when we found out. Hell, I even tried to sell my soul like on Ghost Rider. It obviously did not work. That was back when I still believed in stuff. I've been an Athiest for a while now, but it really offers me no comfort. Nothing could, really. I just want my dad back.
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ee
Figuring us out
Is loved by all
Posts: 15
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Post by ee on Apr 23, 2011 11:43:35 GMT -8
It hurts to lose a beloved parent. My daddy has been gone four years and the pain will get better, yes there are times that it feels like it just happened but they are few and far between as the years go by, and no it doesn't mean that your forgetting them, just that you are moving on.
What you are going through is completely normal and in order to heal you need to feel these things, it's hard I know but it's important to feel them and work them out with your self. In the long run it will help you.
I know you feel like your lost without him but you are your father's daughter and there is a part of him that is in you and therefore he will always be with you.
It has helped me to continue to talk to my daddy, I may look crazy for talking to a pendant but it helped me so perhaps you can find something of his, or something special he gave you and talk to it like it was him.
*Hugs* Just take it a day at a time, you need to heal and take care of yourself.
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loyhargil
Figuring us out
She who perseveres
Posts: 36
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Post by loyhargil on Apr 25, 2011 12:55:09 GMT -8
I remember when my dad died, lamenting that my awesome dad was gone while my daughter's crappy dad was still alive. It was a horrible thought, and I chastised myself for it, but it still seemed so completely and utterly unfair.
It sucks. I still expected Dad to answer the phone for about the first year when I'd call come. I cried every time I drove past the hospital exit on the way to my Mom's house for about two years. Every time I see a yellow butterfly (long story), I think of my dad.
On the upside - 4 1/2 years later, the memories are more fond than painful. I told a friend who lost her infant daughter seven years ago that they lie - time does NOT heal all wounds. But it allows open wounds to stop bleeding. There will always be a scar to pull and tug, and make you remember the pain, but it won't be as terrible as it is now.
Hang in there, hon.
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Post by wes1179 on Apr 27, 2011 16:51:23 GMT -8
*Bear Hugs* to you hon. I can't say I know what it feels like to lose a parent but I sympathize with the feeling of loss. If you need a shoulder to cry on feel free to use mine. I got big shoulders, they can hold a lot.
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Post by riotgirlheather on Apr 28, 2011 23:52:14 GMT -8
Thanks guys. I still don't know if I can do this. I know it's just the beginning, he's only been gone for two weeks on Monday, but I'm already losing it. I'll go for days feeling absolutely nothing, like when I was on lithium. I don't feel sad, I don't feel mad, I don't feel happy, I don't even feel love. I feel absolutely nothing. Then some nights, like tonight, It all comes out and I can't sleep and all I do is cry. When I'm feeling absolutely nothing, I try to think about Matthew and feel anger or love or hope or something, and I still feel nothing. I just feel like a robot going through the motions. It's scary on nights like this when I do actually feel something. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I have to teach all day today, and I haven't been able to sleep at all.
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Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
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Post by Nico on Apr 29, 2011 13:16:47 GMT -8
You can do this, and you will. It's a process.
When I was going through it, I remember feeling as though something was going on in parts of my brain that I didn't have access to. I'm sure you can relate in a way. A crisis this big will change you, and while you're processing it you will feel - and not feel - a lot of ways. As long as you're not trying to mask it with alcohol or drugs, you're doing it right.
You will wake up one day and realize that you can function. That doesn't mean you've stopped loving your father, or have gotten over his death, it just means that you've learned to live with it.
Find a way to honor him, do something that he would have wanted you to do. It will help you to occupy yourself while you're waiting to get to the point that it's easier.
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Post by riotgirlheather on Jun 13, 2011 0:28:46 GMT -8
Wow. I have a way of bringing back threads that should not be brought back. I was watching Pushing Daisies (I have an unhealthy obsession with death now. I think that's normal) and Olive said something that reminded me of the day my dad died, so I had to pause it and write it down so maybe it will get out of my head. Something about remaining calm while everyone else is freaking out. I was the one that did that when my dad died. I was the one who called the ambulance people, the medical examiner, the funeral home, my uncles and aunts. I was the one who had to send my mom's brother in to calm her down. I am proud of myself, but I also regret not being able to freak out like everyone else did.
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Post by juniper on Jun 15, 2011 14:58:30 GMT -8
It's not too late to freak out. I don't know if you have somewhere quiet and alone you can go, but if you need it, it's perfectly ok to freak out over it, now.
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loyhargil
Figuring us out
She who perseveres
Posts: 36
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Post by loyhargil on Jun 17, 2011 6:11:33 GMT -8
Journaling's good. I journaled a lot after Dad died. I still have the journal, in case I need to add to it (which I haven't now for over a year), but I try to make sure I don't go back and look often.
And it's truly not too late to freak out. Mom cried and had a horrible time after Dad died, but she didn't have her complete meltdown over it until about 18 months later. After that, she finally got clarity back. She also realized that she really didn't have any substantial memories of the prior 18 months. Sometimes it just takes a while, but it comes when you're ready to let it.
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