Post by riotgirlheather on Jun 4, 2011 20:38:22 GMT -8
...I feel like I'm three different people, thanks to my bi-polar disorder. I feel like there are three different versions of me in here.
The first version, Heather, is just my plain old "normal" self. Not overly manic, not overly depressed. Just here. This is the primary self, the me that I am most of the time. Although, I really can't drive worth a damn in any of the versions of myself.
The second version, I call her Harley after Harley Quinn. This is when I'm manic. I can either be really sweet and hyper, or really angry and destructive. This is the version I tend to be in when I peel out of driveways and spend all of my money on shiny toys I don't need, or confused guys that I shouldn't really be dating anyway because of the similarities. *coughRyancoughMyJokercough*
The last version, Riot Girl Heather, is my depressed version, but the name sounds too good on message boards. I don't do well with sadness and depression. It usually manifests in crying and listlessness when I'm alone. When people are around, that's when the "Riot" part comes into play. I get angry when I'm sad or upset and there are people around. I just want to be alone when I'm depressed.
The worst part is that I can switch between these three versions of me without warning. I can't remember which type of bi-polar disorder they said I have, but they said it's the kind that is rapid cycling, as in it can change very quickly and without warning. This makes any sort of social situation difficult, especially since I'm not on any meds. I felt like a zombie on my lithium. They had me on 1200mg or 1500mg a day, so I weened myself off of it because I knew the dosage was wrong and none of the doctors listened to me, they just kept upping my dosage. I didn't want to stop feeling, I just wanted to be able to control it.
I know this was random and out of the blue, but my situation with Ryan/Twinkie lately has brought this up.
The first version, Heather, is just my plain old "normal" self. Not overly manic, not overly depressed. Just here. This is the primary self, the me that I am most of the time. Although, I really can't drive worth a damn in any of the versions of myself.
The second version, I call her Harley after Harley Quinn. This is when I'm manic. I can either be really sweet and hyper, or really angry and destructive. This is the version I tend to be in when I peel out of driveways and spend all of my money on shiny toys I don't need, or confused guys that I shouldn't really be dating anyway because of the similarities. *coughRyancoughMyJokercough*
The last version, Riot Girl Heather, is my depressed version, but the name sounds too good on message boards. I don't do well with sadness and depression. It usually manifests in crying and listlessness when I'm alone. When people are around, that's when the "Riot" part comes into play. I get angry when I'm sad or upset and there are people around. I just want to be alone when I'm depressed.
The worst part is that I can switch between these three versions of me without warning. I can't remember which type of bi-polar disorder they said I have, but they said it's the kind that is rapid cycling, as in it can change very quickly and without warning. This makes any sort of social situation difficult, especially since I'm not on any meds. I felt like a zombie on my lithium. They had me on 1200mg or 1500mg a day, so I weened myself off of it because I knew the dosage was wrong and none of the doctors listened to me, they just kept upping my dosage. I didn't want to stop feeling, I just wanted to be able to control it.
I know this was random and out of the blue, but my situation with Ryan/Twinkie lately has brought this up.