lizzybean
Figuring us out
Exceptional Thespian
Posts: 17
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Post by lizzybean on Jun 16, 2011 18:48:11 GMT -8
Seriously, I give up. I fucking give up. My marriage is getting worse, my mental health is falling apart, work irritates me all to hell, and I'm having a shit ton of problems with my ex husband regarding our son.
I don't care anymore. I just don't care. I'm not suicidal, but I don't give a damn. I'm yelling at everyone, including the cats. My son will be here on Monday for his summer vacation, and I'm dreading it. Not because I don't want to see him, but because it's eight weeks. And of course that makes me feel guilty and that makes me feel even worse.
I've had three ex boyfriends try to get a hold me in the last week. Joe is freaking out about it. One he's convinced I'm going to leave him for any second, and I don't try to contact this guy at all. He tried to contact me and I blocked him. Another he doesn't trust for whatever reason, and the third he doesn't even know, but he's an ex so he can't be trusted! Third is totally harmless and we're actually very good friends, but Joe being an insecure ass. He claims that it doesn't bother him, but when this guy texted me tonight he got all weird.
ARGH! I want to either drink myself into a coma or take enough sleeping pills I never wake up again. Or best yet, I'd love to go to the doctor and find out I have incurable cancer and I'm going to die in 6 weeks.
I'm morbid, but I don't care. I just don't care anymore.
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Post by kmcm on Jun 16, 2011 20:18:00 GMT -8
I've been there. I've TOTALLY been there. All you wanna do is put your damned fist through a wall, cause that damn wall is in your fucking way.
When you are more calm, try talking to Joe about what's going on in his head. And you know when you see the Beansprout you'll be so overcome with love that the negative will go away for a little while.
I'm morbid too, but i care, and i care deeply about you.
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loyhargil
Figuring us out
She who perseveres
Posts: 36
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Post by loyhargil on Jun 17, 2011 6:07:32 GMT -8
What kmcm said. This is all so stressful, but Joe's a good guy seriously in love with you. He may be territorial, but just remind him, it doesn't matter if he doesn't trust the other guys, he only has to trust you.
And kmcm of course is completely right about the beansprout. Once you see him, once you have that little man, the eight weeks will ultimatley end up going by way too fast.
Also remember - don't feel guilty for having feelings. They are what you are. Feeling guilty about them won't help you, letting yourself feel them and work through them is what will. And if you need to see someone in the meantime to help you do that, go right ahead. You deserve that time, especially with all you've been through over the years.
Failing that, I've been meaning to schedule a nervous breakdown for quite a while. Wanna have one together? I'm sure we can find a hospital somewhere between Ohio and Iowa with a double room!
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lizzybean
Figuring us out
Exceptional Thespian
Posts: 17
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Post by lizzybean on Jun 19, 2011 17:50:51 GMT -8
Loy, you're on with the double room. Maybe somewhere outside of Chicago, so when we get out we can have some fun. I got my new script for Depakote...up 250mg. Just started last night so we'll have to wait and see. I pick Nicholas up tomorrow. My boss who does the scheduling is being awesome about giving me lots of flex time, while still working enough for a paycheck to be worth something. I really want to hold it together. Today was *not* a good day though. I was tense and snappy at coworkers who really didn't deserve it. I was even short with a couple of customers, although they *did* deserve it. But then, oh god, but then...I was standing next to my boss, discussing paperwork. He's a very nice guy, a few years younger from me, and quite attractive. I have *never* thought of him in *that way* before though. Until today. We were standing next to each other and our arms touched. I got *that* electric shock. I very carefully moved myself over a bit, so we weren't touching anymore, and I think I kept my face from showing anything. Scared the living shit out of me though. As I've said, Joe and I aren't exactly simpatico in the bedroom right now, and that didn't help. I'm not going to have an affair with anyone, but I do have to admit it was nice to suddenly feel some attraction toward someone. It's not reciprocated in any way, thank goodness. I feel like a cat on a hot tin roof, high on angel dust. I am thisclose to saying fuck it to everything, but I know I can't, with Nicholas coming. He's my anchor. But everything else? I just don't care anymore. I don't even know if I can honestly say I love my husband. He's my best friend, but that connection that you need to be husband and wife feels like it's gone on my end. I don't even find him physically attractive anymore. That breaks my heart, but I don't know what to do. And I don't even think he notices. FUCK.
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Post by juniper on Jun 19, 2011 22:37:21 GMT -8
I can't offer more than vibes and virtual hugs, but you have both!
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loyhargil
Figuring us out
She who perseveres
Posts: 36
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Post by loyhargil on Jun 20, 2011 13:48:47 GMT -8
Oh honey. Let's do, let's research where Chicago celebs go for "exhaustion" and check in together.
Big fat "I wish I could help" hugs.
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ee
Figuring us out
Is loved by all
Posts: 15
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Post by ee on Jun 20, 2011 16:55:07 GMT -8
I am so hoping the meds adjustment will work.
I think it is natural to feel attraction to someone who isn't your SO. I don't think things like that just turn themselves off when one gets coupled up and you have to only be attracted to your partner. Your human and not a robot. As long as they are not acted upon then I honestly don't see anything wrong with it.
*Hugs*
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lizzybean
Figuring us out
Exceptional Thespian
Posts: 17
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Post by lizzybean on Jun 21, 2011 16:52:33 GMT -8
Thank you, everyone, for the support. I nearly had a complete and total breakdown today. I'm on the increased dose for the depakote, but of course it hasn't started working quite yet. So my moods and feelings aren't quite evened out yet. Then yesterday is the day I go up to get Nicholas for the summer. Before I left I checked my email, and I had one from my ex boyfriend who had been trying to get a hold of me. In it he told me that a good mutual friend of ours had died. It seems that about two months ago he started feeling "unwell" and called 911. By the time they got there, he was dead. Autopsy showed that he had an aortic tear. My ex wanted me to know.
I was devastated. Steve leaves behind a wife and a young son. He was my age and of course there was never any indication anything was wrong. He just started feeling off and then died.
To add to this, I felt I couldn't tell Joe about it, because I'd have to tell him how I heard. He hates this ex boyfriend of mine with a passion I don't understand. So I had this tearing me up yesterday and I couldn't even tell the person who is supposed to be my best friend and partner.
I was a wreck at work today. I didn't sleep well, was tired, and all these other things. There were rude and stupid customers all day and I was really not feeling well. Finally, around 3, a customer just pushed one too many buttons with me. When I was done with her, I was very tense, and I accidentally knocked a whole thing of bagels off the shelf, ruining them all. I lost it. I nearly burst in to tears, went in the back, took off my apron and hat and said I was done and walked out the door. I went to my car and cried for 10 minutes. My friend who works with me texted me to say that our boss wasn't mad, and was encouraging me to come back and talk with him. After a bit, I went back in, and we talked about everything that was going on; the bipolar issues, Nicholas being here, Steven dying and not being able to talk with Joe. He's an awesome guy and boss and actually listened to me and didn't freak out about any of it. He asked if I wanted to resend my "quitting" and I said yes. He said that I was one of his best employees and he didn't want to lose me, so he was willing to just let it all go. But next time I was having a hard time, just come talk to him, or who ever was on duty, and say I needed a break. He then sent me home and told me not to worry about anything that had happened.
I'm very lucky. Any other boss and I would have been out of a job for sure.
I got home and Nicholas was with his baby sitter still when Joe got home. I told Joe I needed to tell him something, and told him about Steven, including where I got the information. He surprised me by giving me a hug and comforting me. He did "double check" that I wouldn't have further contact with the ex, beyond what was said about Steven, and I assured him that I wouldn't, because I really didn't need or want to, and he seemed okay after that.
I am mentally exhausted with everything that has happened in the last two days. I do feel slightly better now than I did a few hours ago even, but my brain is still trying to process everything. I'm looking forward to having Fri and Sat off and having some fun with Nicholas and some other family members. I still wish I could take a vacation though. My brain needs it.
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Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
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Post by Nico on Jun 22, 2011 1:51:07 GMT -8
Food service SUUUUCKS. I'm really glad that not only wasn't your boss a dick about it, but also showed some compassion and appreciation.
I've never understood why people are rude about getting food. I don't want to be a jerk to anyone who has to serve me, but I especially don't want to tick off someone who's touching what I'm about to eat. I make a point to be nice, and to glare at people who are being jerks. It's like, chill out, dumbass - you're not above someone just because they're steaming your milk.
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