Post by aionis on Nov 7, 2010 18:27:07 GMT -8
I'm Michelle. I'm nineteen, and a former cutter.
I used to cut to deal with overwhelming emotions. There were times when I'd get so angry that I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't going to completely unleash on my parents, even if they were the ones I was fighting with, and many times I had no one else to talk to at that exact moment. So I'd cut. It got rid of the anger, and in a way it helped me 'punish' myself for getting to that point to begin with.
I don't cut anymore. I've made many great friends, people I can talk to. My parents have been very understanding, which I'm incredibly thankful for. Talking to a professional also helped, as did medication. I haven't cut for three years, and I've been off the meds for a little under a year.
I'm not perfect. Sometimes I want to go back to my old path. Not cutting, but maybe a smack to the head, which at times I can't hold back on. These incidents are rarer and rarer, though. It still happens occasionally, but I never have the desire to lift a razor anymore. And to be honest, I'm so grateful for that that I can be patient with myself until I no longer have the urge to harm in any way whatsoever.
But enough of the pain. Despite the pain, I've gone on. I go to community college and will graduate in May, after which I'm planning on attending a four year school. I love music, especially classic rock, Romantic Era classical, and movie soundtracks. For a while I was obsessed with the Who, then the Beatles. Right now I'm in between crazes.
I love to read. When I look to my future, I don't think about if I write a novel, I think about when. I think weeds are beautiful. Around campus I'm known as the girl who listens to a tape player with real cassettes.
If you're a teenager who feels like life is too hard to handle, if you feel like you'll never stop cutting and life will never get better-- it does. I know that probably doesn't mean much right now, but just keep it in mind. As impossible as it may seem, there will come a day when you'll look in the mirror and not be disgusted with what you see. Pain doesn't ever completely vanish from your life, but it gets easier, and the good things get better.
In the meantime, find someone you can talk to. This forum wasn't here when I was going through my own shit, but having an unbiased third party was great when I needed to rail off about how much I hated my parents at the moment. Someone once suggested to me to write a bunch of curse words down on a piece of paper when I wanted to cut. I thought it wouldn't work, but it really did. If you feel comfortable doing it, pray. Let yourself have one more cookie. Go for a walk. Sit in the park and just relax for a bit. Little things that don't seem that important can really make a difference.
I'm rambling, so I'll wrap this up:
I survived, and you will too. Promise.
I used to cut to deal with overwhelming emotions. There were times when I'd get so angry that I didn't know what to do with myself. I wasn't going to completely unleash on my parents, even if they were the ones I was fighting with, and many times I had no one else to talk to at that exact moment. So I'd cut. It got rid of the anger, and in a way it helped me 'punish' myself for getting to that point to begin with.
I don't cut anymore. I've made many great friends, people I can talk to. My parents have been very understanding, which I'm incredibly thankful for. Talking to a professional also helped, as did medication. I haven't cut for three years, and I've been off the meds for a little under a year.
I'm not perfect. Sometimes I want to go back to my old path. Not cutting, but maybe a smack to the head, which at times I can't hold back on. These incidents are rarer and rarer, though. It still happens occasionally, but I never have the desire to lift a razor anymore. And to be honest, I'm so grateful for that that I can be patient with myself until I no longer have the urge to harm in any way whatsoever.
But enough of the pain. Despite the pain, I've gone on. I go to community college and will graduate in May, after which I'm planning on attending a four year school. I love music, especially classic rock, Romantic Era classical, and movie soundtracks. For a while I was obsessed with the Who, then the Beatles. Right now I'm in between crazes.
I love to read. When I look to my future, I don't think about if I write a novel, I think about when. I think weeds are beautiful. Around campus I'm known as the girl who listens to a tape player with real cassettes.
If you're a teenager who feels like life is too hard to handle, if you feel like you'll never stop cutting and life will never get better-- it does. I know that probably doesn't mean much right now, but just keep it in mind. As impossible as it may seem, there will come a day when you'll look in the mirror and not be disgusted with what you see. Pain doesn't ever completely vanish from your life, but it gets easier, and the good things get better.
In the meantime, find someone you can talk to. This forum wasn't here when I was going through my own shit, but having an unbiased third party was great when I needed to rail off about how much I hated my parents at the moment. Someone once suggested to me to write a bunch of curse words down on a piece of paper when I wanted to cut. I thought it wouldn't work, but it really did. If you feel comfortable doing it, pray. Let yourself have one more cookie. Go for a walk. Sit in the park and just relax for a bit. Little things that don't seem that important can really make a difference.
I'm rambling, so I'll wrap this up:
I survived, and you will too. Promise.