Bunny
Figuring us out
I'm just a little black rain cloud hovering over the honey tree....
Posts: 45
|
Post by Bunny on Nov 24, 2010 1:10:05 GMT -8
But right now, I hate my life and some of the people in it.
Sometimes I just don't undertsnad the way of thinking that causes another to want to rip down another person for no cause what-so-ever, and to unjustly accuse the same person of things they have no proof of.... and yet.... spread the lie they believe.
It hurts. Sometimes that emotional pain is too much to bear. I don't understand the ways I get treated. I just feel like a piece of garbage in this house, scorned by the people whom I thought loved me better than that.
But, talking behind my back about me, lying about me, speaks volumes about how I am revered by everyone in this house.
I am scum.
I don't know what I did to deserve this punishment, or why I'm disliked so much, but it literally is breaking my heart. Forcing me to question how strong I really am, and can I hang on for much longer?
|
|
Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
|
Post by Nico on Nov 24, 2010 16:15:40 GMT -8
You know, when people "hate" someone else, it's usually because of something they see in them that they recognize in themselves and don't like very much. I'm guessing whatever their problem is has more to do with them than it has to do with you. Not that it makes it any easier to deal with when you're in the middle of living it, but honestly - what can you do about how they feel about themselves? Nothing, really. They probably don't even have the self-awareness necessary to realize they're projecting self-hatred onto other people, which is very sad. So, how many voodoo dolls should I make?
|
|
Bunny
Figuring us out
I'm just a little black rain cloud hovering over the honey tree....
Posts: 45
|
Post by Bunny on Nov 24, 2010 16:31:52 GMT -8
I just don't understand it, though. I tip-toe around here like a deer in hunting season. I'm trying so hard to be the good person I am, and then I find out my own flesh and blood that bore me is spreading hate about me. Telling my friends I go out 6 nights a week till all hours of the morning doing "God knows what"...
I have a little more sense than that. And respect for myself. And...she forgets....she restricts my abilities to go anywhere. I'm not ALLOWED out. I only go out Friday nights and the occasional Saturday night. I have a curfew. I'm 29 years old, living with my parents, obeying their wishes. I come home by 2 AM. I go out on MOnday night's because I'm in a dart league. I'm on the team. I suck. My team mates would argue that point, but reguardless. I stay out till 2 AM and come home. That's it.
Tuesday I babysit for the dart team's captain. I'm home before midnight. It's a cash paying gig.
Otherwise, I'm confined to this little house, alone. My husband works overnights. I hardly see him. When I do... Well, another rant for another time....
I'm not understanding the projecting thing, though.
In my eyes... the one projecting is beautiful... strong...independant... she bore me. Why does she hate me?
|
|
Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
|
Post by Nico on Nov 24, 2010 17:51:08 GMT -8
Well, obviously I was speaking from the perspective of generalities and knowing very, very little about your personal situation. In general, it's usually true that how people behave says more about them than it says about you.
I'm no psychologist, but I have done my fair share of feeling like the resident whipping boy (girl).
When I lived at home, I felt like I was tip-toeing around, and was told that I waltzed around like a princess, or alternately, couldn't be bothered with my family and isolated myself.
Obviously, I had a completely different perspective of the situation than they did. I was projecting something other than what I was feeling, and they were perceiving something other than what I thought I was expressing. It was intensely frustrating. It really does make you doubt yourself.
You know, I always felt like my mom hated me, too. But I really, really doubt your mother hates you.
Let me preface this by repeating that I know I know nothing about your life, except for what you've written right here - but what could be happening between you and your mother is that she's unhappy with some of your choices you've made, or with some of the ways your life has turned out, and maybe she feels responsible for it, like she's failed you. Parents tend to do that, no matter how old their children are. It's an uncomfortable feeling, to think that you failed your child, they're unhappy because of something you did, and you have to see it every day. It makes some parents resentful toward their child, for reminding them of their failure - and some of them deal with that by projecting blame onto the child so they don't have to deal with their own emotions. You know, I may have screwed up your childhood, but look what you're doing now kinda stuff.
Like I said, I have no idea what's really going on. Just try to stop taking it so personally when other people act like jerks toward you. I'm sure you don't deserve to feel so shitty.
|
|
Bunny
Figuring us out
I'm just a little black rain cloud hovering over the honey tree....
Posts: 45
|
Post by Bunny on Nov 24, 2010 18:06:22 GMT -8
Heh, it's kind of funny. I generallu don't care what people think of me.
I'm the type of person to just ignore it or tell 'em to 'eff off.
But this is just.... wow... Shocking. And you're right. I do need to stop taking it so personally. It's just so hard.
Like right now, I'm hiding in the computer room in tears because I just basically bitched my Dad out on FB asking him why he continues to let this go on. I feel like I have no support. He says, "She knows you're making changes for the better." Yeah? Then why the sudden change of behavior making me the black sheep again? Damnit.
*sighs*
FML.
Ignore. Ignore. Ignore..... I must ignore.... *sighs*
|
|
Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
|
Post by Nico on Nov 24, 2010 23:03:45 GMT -8
*sigh*
I swear, I almost feel like I'm talking to myself, like 7 years ago. Except I would have been arguing with my father in the basement, not Facebook.
At least in the basement, I didn't have to pretend to care about anyone else's stupid status update.
|
|
Bunny
Figuring us out
I'm just a little black rain cloud hovering over the honey tree....
Posts: 45
|
Post by Bunny on Nov 24, 2010 23:33:21 GMT -8
Every family has their problems, it seems... and they're not too far off from being similar.
I just hate bitching about it.. but I needed to vent. Thanks for listening. If it's any consolation, it did help.
|
|
Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
|
Post by Nico on Nov 25, 2010 14:32:10 GMT -8
Well, it's certainly better than a kick in the shins.
|
|
|
Post by Pahz on Nov 25, 2010 17:41:14 GMT -8
Gots a question for you, Bunny... the person isn't on this board, right? Has no knowledge you post here? Because then I say vent away and be as detailed or graphic as you want to be.
I know a little more about your life than the others right now- having actually met you in person and sort of on the sidelines during some very dramatic freaking out on another network...
I understand how hard it is to be where you are and sort of what's going on there- and I also know how easy it is to sit back and say, "you should do this..." but knowing you can't actually do anything. Saying "do it" is not as realistic as living in the situation.
I'm not sure if I made any sense just now. I was interrupted three times while typing.
|
|
Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
|
Post by Nico on Nov 26, 2010 19:46:32 GMT -8
It made sense to me, Pahz. I've found that even when I think I've talked something to death, sometimes talking about it one more time, or explaining it to one more person will help me to realize something about myself, or bring some sort of understanding I didn't have before - even without input from anyone else.
I think the act of trying to explain it to another person, as opposed to just thinking about it, forces us to see it through different eyes, in a way.
So, I'm with Pahz - bitch in as much detail as you want. Sometimes I just feel like I have to explain the problem, fully, and then it's not the same monster it was before, because I've named it. If that makes any sense.
|
|
Bunny
Figuring us out
I'm just a little black rain cloud hovering over the honey tree....
Posts: 45
|
Post by Bunny on Dec 3, 2010 13:46:52 GMT -8
Gots a question for you, Bunny... the person isn't on this board, right? Has no knowledge you post here? Because then I say vent away and be as detailed or graphic as you want to be. As far as I know... No, has no knowledge. But, I'm not about badmouthing. I'm just frustrated. I had to get it out. Like, right now... I'm OK. You know? But, then again, everyone is gone, and I'm home alone. I've been home alone for a week, and I LOVE it. ;D It's been so refreshing. I've unwound, in a sense. Calmed down. Hit my reset button. I need some cloves.
|
|
Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
|
Post by Nico on Dec 3, 2010 15:14:33 GMT -8
Like, just cloves, or clove cigarettes?
|
|
Bunny
Figuring us out
I'm just a little black rain cloud hovering over the honey tree....
Posts: 45
|
Post by Bunny on Dec 23, 2010 14:39:26 GMT -8
Like, just cloves, or clove cigarettes? Clove Cigarettes ;D And.. P.S.... I'm a douchebag again!
|
|
Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
|
Post by Nico on Dec 23, 2010 15:13:48 GMT -8
I used to smoke clove cigarettes. I would have married clove cigarettes.
|
|
Bunny
Figuring us out
I'm just a little black rain cloud hovering over the honey tree....
Posts: 45
|
Post by Bunny on Dec 23, 2010 20:03:40 GMT -8
Was going to smoke one, but I decided to give up on going out into the cold. Took a Xanax instead and tried to sleep away the horrible things that were said to me.
Pretty interesting Christmas when your own mother wishes you to kill yourself to stop making her life so miserable.
Maybe at 4 AM I'll be up to smoke one. I love the smell of the cloves, and the popping noises they make as they burn down. Reminds me of a spice tea I love.
|
|