Post by succubusdream on Dec 7, 2010 2:40:10 GMT -8
Mostly you get me through it. Other times it's horses. Now I am extra depressed because I can't see them. What I miss most is their personalities and how much love and trust they have to offer unconditionally. Those horses kept me alive through some dark times when kmcm wasn't in my life and now it's like a brick strapped to my chest. I am not sure I will be able have that connection with another horse... When Lily died, I was crushed (especially when I was right next to her when she died). It feels like that because I can't see my horses. And when I did see my horses those few times it was like they were resurrected. I can't described the feeling. Those ponies are so smart and irreplaceable that I'm not sure if I can find another horse to replace even half of one of them. Its hard to ride other horses. It feels like I abandoned them, but its not like that.
I miss my dog too. She is a beautiful mix and looks like a Great Pyrenees but shorter and black. She is a pack dog and loves going out in the woods. If she doesn't like someone, she will bark at them until I tell her to be quite. (She doesn't like to listen to anyone but me.) If the person gets too close to me, she will growl. I can't have her with me because it would break her spirit and Izzy would piss her off and she would probably get into a fight with her. I wouldn't want Izzy to die because she has a low tolerance to annoying dogs.
Its hard to ride other horses. It feels like I abandoned them, but its not like that. My issues with my mother is what is keeping me away and my refusal to take her shit. I am tired of pretending that everything is ok, tired of her putting me down, tired of her negativity in my life, and just tired of her. She can't be a person, just a complaining robot that always comes up with problems. According to her I create the problems. She has also been talking to my brother about everything and he doesn't bother to hear my side. They say they want me in their lives, but then they insult me and push me away. I don't care about the relationship with my mom anymore. She is [glow=red,2,300]never[/glow] going to change. She has been doing this for the past 6 years. I want a relationship with my brother though. That isn't going to happen while he bends to her every whim. Sometimes it makes me so sad I want to cry and a few times I have. I don't know him anymore with his being consumed with smoking pot. I got out of that life. He is stuck. It would be nice if I could catch him with a fishing pole and reel him back in.
I miss my dog too. She is a beautiful mix and looks like a Great Pyrenees but shorter and black. She is a pack dog and loves going out in the woods. If she doesn't like someone, she will bark at them until I tell her to be quite. (She doesn't like to listen to anyone but me.) If the person gets too close to me, she will growl. I can't have her with me because it would break her spirit and Izzy would piss her off and she would probably get into a fight with her. I wouldn't want Izzy to die because she has a low tolerance to annoying dogs.
Its hard to ride other horses. It feels like I abandoned them, but its not like that. My issues with my mother is what is keeping me away and my refusal to take her shit. I am tired of pretending that everything is ok, tired of her putting me down, tired of her negativity in my life, and just tired of her. She can't be a person, just a complaining robot that always comes up with problems. According to her I create the problems. She has also been talking to my brother about everything and he doesn't bother to hear my side. They say they want me in their lives, but then they insult me and push me away. I don't care about the relationship with my mom anymore. She is [glow=red,2,300]never[/glow] going to change. She has been doing this for the past 6 years. I want a relationship with my brother though. That isn't going to happen while he bends to her every whim. Sometimes it makes me so sad I want to cry and a few times I have. I don't know him anymore with his being consumed with smoking pot. I got out of that life. He is stuck. It would be nice if I could catch him with a fishing pole and reel him back in.