morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Dec 18, 2010 22:00:47 GMT -8
so, as i'm sure not many of you know or remember, i sleep on the pull out couch bought for this very purpose, as my mom felt me and my twin sister are too old to share a room so she kicked me to out here and she got the room. so yay. for the longest time i only got to sleep when they left the room and couldnt lay on my bed at any time past when i got up because during the day "it's a living room not my bedroom". so yeah. now that my bed is broken so i have to hurt myself to fold it up (the last time i did it i cut and bled myself on the metal) i was sleeping on the extra mattress in my old room. for the past week of me doing that she had been guilting me about it, a la "i dont complain about how i had a headache and i had to listen to you turn pages as you read last night". so now i'm going to sleep lengthwise on the couch, or the floor, whenever i get to sleep. or whenever they let me. because i'm only here for the good graces of everyone else. i've a really messed up relationship with my family and wish i had somewhere to go to escape it, but i dont. pains of being a loner for most of my life...i'm not really comfortable anywhere other than here for that long. this is all i really know to that extent.
theres my rant. i feel a little better. but not much. like..maybe i dont feel as fucked up, but i still do.
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Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
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Post by Nico on Dec 18, 2010 22:12:42 GMT -8
That. Sucks.
I couldn't function without a private place to sleep. The idea of having when I go to sleep and where controlled by someone else sounds like hell. I mean, it's such a basic necessity.
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Post by winterwhispers on Dec 18, 2010 22:31:14 GMT -8
I feel your pain, kind of... When I was 18 and graduated from high school, my dad moved and told me I couldn't move with them. There wasn't room. Kind of a don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. I wound up living in a tent in my friends mom's back yard. (There were already like 9 other people living there at that point) I lived in the tent until there was a huge rainstorm and the yard flooded and I lost almost everything I owned. Then I was allowed into the house. But only because I was 2 months pregnant!
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Dec 18, 2010 22:54:20 GMT -8
yeah..way to make my pain seem like a beesting to your sword stab winter, damn that sucks. and yeah nico, it is hell. right now i'm not sleeping because i cant get my mind to stop, and because my mom needs to deal with a turkey she asked me to take out more than 12 hours ago.
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Post by winterwhispers on Dec 18, 2010 23:24:17 GMT -8
Nah, your situation is no less full of grief than mine was! Just a different set of circumstances with a similar outcome and feelings! It's all character building! I was trying to empathize with the feeling of lack of care or sympathy from our parents and the sudden loss of private space When I moved into the house, I shared a room with no less than 5 people. We hung sheets from the ceiling in an attempt to give each of us some sort of privacy. Didn't work too well, you could see through the sheets if one side had a light on and the other didn't. You don't even have that much. In all honesty, and I'm not sure if this will make you feel any better at all or not, but being as I'm an old woman now (har har, my oldest child is only 5 yrs younger than you) I look back on everything that I've experienced and though it was all hard when I was going through it and it sucked, it's what helped make me the person I am today. A cold, hard, evil bitch. No, just kidding about the cold and hard... Evil bitch though It's actually given me a lot more empathy for others than I used to have. And it also gives me some good perspective on things too. Sure, I have wished at times that some things didnt' happen the way that they did. But, at the same time, if they didn't, what would the ripple effect be? In your situation, you have a couple options. You can stick around and accept the abuse from your family and hate yourself for it. Or you can say FML what's it going to hurt and move on. I've had to choose the FML what's it going to hurt option a few times on major things... It was hard, but so worth it in the end.
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Dec 18, 2010 23:57:53 GMT -8
I've done that with almost all of my other family. all of my aunts i have no contact with if they arent in the room with me, my mom's stepmom doesnt even speak english, or refuses to, whichever. half of my cousins i only have awkward small talk with on like new years at grandmas, and the other half try to parent me whenever i talk to them, which is why i rarely ever pick up the phone when they call. my dad and my mom's dad is dead, died both within a month of eachother when i was in like mid 5th grade. i dont really have many memories from back then, pretty sure that has something to do with it. i used to see my dad's mom alot, until he died and my mom shunned that side of the family because of some money we were supposed to get after he died but she got instead. i dont even know if she is still alive. so i've no where else to go so i cant really fuck them. so i'll live here, sad most of the time. silent most of the time. like always. taking the long way home. working more than i should. it's hard to think what this will make of me when i dont really want to look that far ahead. when i do i only see me alone in a living space alone. not a happy picture. i want kids, but i dont know if i'd be a good parent, if i should pass on my genes as i have so many problems (though i shouldnt complain...i could be worse..some of the stuff you guys go through terrifies me), and then there's the case of finding someone who would want to procreate with me..let alone go out for a burger or something. ugh. i'll stop rambling now.
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Post by geminilee on Dec 19, 2010 0:39:33 GMT -8
I can't quite follow this whole situation, but I will put my two cents in about the bedroom issue.
On the one hand, I can see your mom's side. You and your sister are too old to share a room. But you didn't suddenly wake up too old to share a room. You have been too old for quite a while. Which brings me to the other hand.
On your side, I assume any issues would be resolved between the two of you already, and any awkwardness wouldn't be a problem anymore. So I don't see why sharing a room should be a problem.
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Post by geminilee on Dec 19, 2010 0:41:14 GMT -8
and then there's the case of finding someone who would want to procreate with me..let alone go out for a burger or something. ugh. You seem to have this backward. I may have solved all of your problems ;D
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Dec 19, 2010 0:43:46 GMT -8
meh. it's that we're polar opposites that don't really mix well. oil and water really. so we cant really. i could explain it more if you wanted me to, but it's not really the point..all my posts on this thread have been stream of thoughts..so if they didn't meld together then idk if i can make them do so in this frame of mind.
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Post by winterwhispers on Dec 19, 2010 9:52:10 GMT -8
and then there's the case of finding someone who would want to procreate with me..let alone go out for a burger or something. ugh. i'll stop rambling now. I'd totally go out for a burger with you! Well, I would. A burger actually sounds kinda good right now! But in all seriousness, I can see where you're coming from. You've been beaten down your whole life, your mother probably has just as many mental issues of her own that she doesn't know how to or want to deal with, and in that it comes back at you, because you take it and try not to rock the boat. You're stuck in a rock and a hard spot. Waiting on news about school, just trying to bide your time... So, since you're stuck there, you have us here! Since your family sucks, create a new one in us! I have many friends that I see as family. People who I would pick to be related if they could be. Some that live in your neck of the woods even. As for finding an eventual mate, honey, you have a lot of time for that still. Eventually you will meet someone, who loves you for you. You will marry. And you will make babies. I have a feeling, that you will make a great parent as long as you don't parent like your mother and remember a few simple things. 1) no one is perfect. Not one single human. Because we're human, we're fallible. 2) love your children with all your heart and show them this 3) As long as you try your hardest, give it your all, and provide them with the basics and be there for them, you can't really go too wrong. 4) taking care of you is not considered selfish as long as you're still taking care of them at the same time. That's the one a lot of people get hung up on. They see it as they can do one or the other, but not both. I'm rambling now... sorry....
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Dec 19, 2010 10:06:06 GMT -8
as for having it backwards i was showing like if i cant get the burger then i cant do any of any of those things lol. i feel a little better, in the way that i'm not outwardly despondent. all that crap from last night is still there, but it's not out on my face of readily able to be seen now. i would quote stuff, but i have no freaking clue how that works lol. yeah pretty much i have been either knocked down or held to what i think is impossible standards by my mom, who was working so much i was mostly by myself. if or when i have kids, i will be there as much as i can, and not force them to do things they dont want to do, to be someone they dont want to be. the only reason i went to the high school i did was because my mom was pressuring me to be a lawyer, when all i want to do is write. my friends are my family, but i have them like brothers and sisters (more sisters than brothers to be honest), but very few like idk, parent-ly people..save for Kari, she's like the big sister i wanted..i'd trade her for my sister for her any day of the week and twice on sunday.
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Post by winterwhispers on Dec 19, 2010 10:17:20 GMT -8
yeah pretty much i have been either knocked down or held to what i think is impossible standards by my mom, who was working so much i was mostly by myself. if or when i have kids, i will be there as much as i can, and not force them to do things they dont want to do, to be someone they dont want to be. the only reason i went to the high school i did was because my mom was pressuring me to be a lawyer, when all i want to do is write. my friends are my family, but i have them like brothers and sisters (more sisters than brothers to be honest), but very few like idk, parent-ly people..save for Kari, she's like the big sister i wanted..i'd trade her for my sister for her any day of the week and twice on sunday. I think it's a mistake a lot of parents make these days. They schedule the shit out of their kids, doing every sport, activity, etc they can cram into the schedule and the kids don't have time to just be kids. They're being groomed to be what their parents want for them to be. Unfortunately for the kids, they wind up feeling like you do. That's why I let my kids do what they want in that respect. Sure, I want them to be wildly successful and rich and all that jazz. But not at the expense of their self esteem or who they really are! As for Kari, yeah, she pretty much rocks She and I have been friends for 15+ years!!!
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Dec 19, 2010 10:24:07 GMT -8
i was four when you started being her friend. i feel like a baby now. le sigh. that's sigh in french, if you didn't know.
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Post by geminilee on Dec 19, 2010 11:32:54 GMT -8
Hon, you are a baby. ;D But it's ok, you will grow out of it.
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Dec 19, 2010 13:23:33 GMT -8
Growls loudly at you.
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