Post by littlematchstick on Feb 12, 2011 8:25:23 GMT -8
This may be long, fair warning!
I have a friend, we'll call her "Janet". I met her a little over a year ago when I was buying pet rats from her. She seemed nice enough at the time. After I bough the rats from her, I didn't really speak to her much for a few months, but then she emailed me to get an update on the furries and we kind of struck up a friendship.
While getting to know her, I had told her I was bisexual. I didn't think much of it, as she claimed to be in a fairly happy marriage. I did tell her once she was kind of cute, but would never interfere with a marriage and that I wasn't in the right place in my life to be in a relationship anyway.
A little later, I unfortunatley implied that I kind of liked her..which she did have a nice personality and all, but still made it obvious that I would never overstep any boundaries. I'm not even sure if I DID like her, or if I just liked the idea of being in a relationship, and I considered her "safe" because she was married.
Well this was a huge mistake on my part. She basically then decided that she had a huge crush on me. And she was madly in love with me, that we should run away together and get married..etc. I mean she would email me several times a day, call me..etc. I tried explaining to her that I was sorry if I led her on, but I really wasn't interested in a relationship and I felt that I only said those things because she was "safe" and because I thought she was happily married.
But she continued to profess her feelings for me. She then began copying EVERYTHING I do. I have peircings, so she decided to start getting peircings, she dyed her hair the same color as mine, now she wants to ge another peircing that I have. She started listening to the same kind of music as me, she wants to get tattoos now (I have 7).
She even went so far as to leave her husband for like 2m onths. She moved back because she claimed she didn't want to be that far away from me.
When she moved away she let me watch one of her rats (ended up keeping him until he died) and he was in really bad health. I'm a sucker for animals, and she doesn't always have the best medical care for them..etc. I know a lot about how to treat them at home and where to get meds to treat them at home and whatnot. I've mainly stayed friends with her because I want to ensure her animals are being taken care of.
I finally put my foot down when she was over at my house one time and asked me to kiss her (she had made the request a few times via email as well--I always told her no). I told her absolutely not (this is after I explained everything else to her) and she got pissed and left without a word. When she got home she emailed me and apologized and I wrote her back and told her I was uncomfortable and to please respect my boundaries. Then she started posting on facebook (without using my name), about how much I had hurt her, and she hopes I'm happy now. That she didn't know how to live anymore..etc.
I mean like I said, I felt bad about leading her on (I never had any indication that she might be bi, or her marriage was unhappy when I made those statements or I wouldn't have said them). Now I understand that it was STILL wrong of me to say at all, because she was married, and I take responsibility for that.
But even after all that I told her again that I was sorry if she ended up with the wrong impression. That I have a lot of mental issues (not an excuse-but an explanation), and that even if the circumstances were different, I STILL wouldn't want a relationship with her, or anyone else. She seemed to understand, but stated her feelings wouldn't go away.
But even all these things aside, she is a very emotionally draining person--the more I get to know her. She is constantly complaining about her life, how much she hates her husband, how she wants out of her marriage. How much she hates herself, how unhappy she is..etc. I have suggested she see a therapist or councelor and talk to her husband about how unhappy she is. But she never listens. I was a psychology major in college, and I understand that she has A LOT of mental problems. But there are times where I can barely deal with myself, let alone someone elses array of severe problems. Everyone in my house has severe problems as well. So it's something I'm used to.
I have no problem being a friend to someone when they have problems, but there comes a point where one has to DO something about their problems, not just complain about them endlessly. I know that you can't force someone to deal with them. But it's constantly eating at me.
As I said, I know part of the problem is MY fault because I did lead her on in a way. But I tried to make it clear it was my mistake and take responsibility for my actions.
My question I guess is, should I continue to be friends with her and try and support her (knowing her feelings for me). And knowing that she does have a lot mental problems. Or end the friendship and hope that she (and her pets) end up ok? Relieving a lot of my guilt and stress that constantly revolves around our friendship?
Wow this was long, and I hope it all makes sense. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
I have a friend, we'll call her "Janet". I met her a little over a year ago when I was buying pet rats from her. She seemed nice enough at the time. After I bough the rats from her, I didn't really speak to her much for a few months, but then she emailed me to get an update on the furries and we kind of struck up a friendship.
While getting to know her, I had told her I was bisexual. I didn't think much of it, as she claimed to be in a fairly happy marriage. I did tell her once she was kind of cute, but would never interfere with a marriage and that I wasn't in the right place in my life to be in a relationship anyway.
A little later, I unfortunatley implied that I kind of liked her..which she did have a nice personality and all, but still made it obvious that I would never overstep any boundaries. I'm not even sure if I DID like her, or if I just liked the idea of being in a relationship, and I considered her "safe" because she was married.
Well this was a huge mistake on my part. She basically then decided that she had a huge crush on me. And she was madly in love with me, that we should run away together and get married..etc. I mean she would email me several times a day, call me..etc. I tried explaining to her that I was sorry if I led her on, but I really wasn't interested in a relationship and I felt that I only said those things because she was "safe" and because I thought she was happily married.
But she continued to profess her feelings for me. She then began copying EVERYTHING I do. I have peircings, so she decided to start getting peircings, she dyed her hair the same color as mine, now she wants to ge another peircing that I have. She started listening to the same kind of music as me, she wants to get tattoos now (I have 7).
She even went so far as to leave her husband for like 2m onths. She moved back because she claimed she didn't want to be that far away from me.
When she moved away she let me watch one of her rats (ended up keeping him until he died) and he was in really bad health. I'm a sucker for animals, and she doesn't always have the best medical care for them..etc. I know a lot about how to treat them at home and where to get meds to treat them at home and whatnot. I've mainly stayed friends with her because I want to ensure her animals are being taken care of.
I finally put my foot down when she was over at my house one time and asked me to kiss her (she had made the request a few times via email as well--I always told her no). I told her absolutely not (this is after I explained everything else to her) and she got pissed and left without a word. When she got home she emailed me and apologized and I wrote her back and told her I was uncomfortable and to please respect my boundaries. Then she started posting on facebook (without using my name), about how much I had hurt her, and she hopes I'm happy now. That she didn't know how to live anymore..etc.
I mean like I said, I felt bad about leading her on (I never had any indication that she might be bi, or her marriage was unhappy when I made those statements or I wouldn't have said them). Now I understand that it was STILL wrong of me to say at all, because she was married, and I take responsibility for that.
But even after all that I told her again that I was sorry if she ended up with the wrong impression. That I have a lot of mental issues (not an excuse-but an explanation), and that even if the circumstances were different, I STILL wouldn't want a relationship with her, or anyone else. She seemed to understand, but stated her feelings wouldn't go away.
But even all these things aside, she is a very emotionally draining person--the more I get to know her. She is constantly complaining about her life, how much she hates her husband, how she wants out of her marriage. How much she hates herself, how unhappy she is..etc. I have suggested she see a therapist or councelor and talk to her husband about how unhappy she is. But she never listens. I was a psychology major in college, and I understand that she has A LOT of mental problems. But there are times where I can barely deal with myself, let alone someone elses array of severe problems. Everyone in my house has severe problems as well. So it's something I'm used to.
I have no problem being a friend to someone when they have problems, but there comes a point where one has to DO something about their problems, not just complain about them endlessly. I know that you can't force someone to deal with them. But it's constantly eating at me.
As I said, I know part of the problem is MY fault because I did lead her on in a way. But I tried to make it clear it was my mistake and take responsibility for my actions.
My question I guess is, should I continue to be friends with her and try and support her (knowing her feelings for me). And knowing that she does have a lot mental problems. Or end the friendship and hope that she (and her pets) end up ok? Relieving a lot of my guilt and stress that constantly revolves around our friendship?
Wow this was long, and I hope it all makes sense. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.