Post by succubusdream on Nov 6, 2010 19:30:21 GMT -8
I am 19 going on 20 this month. KMCM recruited me to help her with her house one weekend and help with her daugther go through a rough patch. Since then she has helped me through alot of my issues due to a shotty childhood.
I was molested for 8 years of my life and raped. Other then that, there was constant emotional and mental abuse all 10 years. This occured after my mother divorced my dad and his best friend became her boyfriend, thus starting the nightmare. My mother and brother got the physical abuse as well the emotional and mental. I thought that if I let him do things to me, then they wouldn't get hurt as much. It never works that way. My mother still has the residual effects of the mental abuse and subconciously uses it on me to this day. Now I have been free from his grasp for 6 years and it still haunts me. Not as often, but the nightmares are still there and I can quite get past them yet. This has effected my relationship with every single guy I have encountered whether or not it is sexual or just friends.
If you have had experiences like these, I am glad to listen and help. It is hard to talk about it at first, but it does get easier with time. I have found that the more you talk about it, the more you can start to heal.
It is easier for me to process things when I write them down. It is hard to work on yourself all in your head so, having them in front of you can help free up other thoughts that you haven't thought of in a long time or painful things that you have buried that you need to heal within yourself. This is my most recent 'blargh' letter to myself to help me heal.
To find yourself, you have to be able to identify who you want to be and who you would like to be perceived as, as well as what you don’t want to be and what you cannot live with in your life. Part of this journey is to eliminate negative aspects of your life and enriching yourself with positive influences when you have the opportunity to surround yourself with them.
My life has been a rollercoaster of events at times and predictable on others. These experiences have shaped me to who I am now and laid the foundation of what I will choose to be in the future. I can’t say that many of my choices have been the right ones or what I have told people in the past make me proud to be myself, but they have led me to be where I am now and I cannot regret those decisions.
I try to be unique in most ways. Normalcy has always bugged me, most likely because none of what I grew up with was normal. When we had company the traditional family was faked when people had come over, but quickly dissipated when others could see the cracks in the flawed monarchy my family and I had lived in. Thus over time people stopped coming over or were afraid to. This was all with good reason. Sadly, old habits die hard and even though my family had endured trauma that should never have happened, we tried to move on. We all had our individual rough patches afterwards and tried to deal with each other’s episodes, but sometimes things would get out of control. There were times when our subconscious would get the better of us and color reality so badly that they would perceive something out of context. It would lead down a path of personal destruction whether it was on the inside or out, hurting the people around them in the process because they thought that either the world was out to get them, or the people closest to them were trying to. It is hard to watch a person destroy themselves over a past dilemma that they never could get past due to not confronting the issue within themselves. I have been one of these people before. Although I have grown up, some residual debris has influenced my judgment, perception, and distorted my thinking from time to time.
For many years I was angry. At the world and the things that happened to me, but mostly it was at myself. I thought that I could have stopped the humiliation, disgrace I had to face nearly every day by either telling someone or saying no. It has always been a regret of mine that I never even tried to protest or scream…. I did nothing. I am still punishing myself for never trying to prevent it. I don’t think I will ever let myself live it down. I would have been able to get past it if I had just ‘tried’. It is one of those things I must settle l within myself, but I may not ever be able to due to the guilt I have over it.
The things I have done still haunt me, disgust me, make me feel so unworthy for any form of love that every time someone tries to extend a hand, the little girl inside me shrinks away. This is because whenever the nightmare was happening he would give me gifts and usually expensive. Thus creating the illogical paradox within me that whenever another offers me something, that they will have an ulterior motive. This is one of the reasons I can’t accept gifts from most people unless I have earned it. Blind kindness is not one of the things with I know how to deal with, I prefer giving. I suppose it is because I know it usually won’t backfire.
What I have learned from my 19 years on this planet is that when I set my mind to accomplish something, I am unstoppable and I will conquer any obstacle that presents itself in my path. I refuse to be held back by people too scared to let me go and take a chance on a crazy idea or two, for what is life without a little crazy in it? I am currently battling for my independence and wish to never have had to, but you can’t pick what life with throw at you. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, as long as you can climb out of that mental bomb shell, accept that it happened, confront the issues that came with the experience, then when you are ready, move past it, but do not let it rule your life.
Bad things may happen, but in the end, you will choose if it will define you. No one can make you be who you are not unless you let them. No one can emotionally disembowel you unless you let them. In the end, you always have a choice.
I was molested for 8 years of my life and raped. Other then that, there was constant emotional and mental abuse all 10 years. This occured after my mother divorced my dad and his best friend became her boyfriend, thus starting the nightmare. My mother and brother got the physical abuse as well the emotional and mental. I thought that if I let him do things to me, then they wouldn't get hurt as much. It never works that way. My mother still has the residual effects of the mental abuse and subconciously uses it on me to this day. Now I have been free from his grasp for 6 years and it still haunts me. Not as often, but the nightmares are still there and I can quite get past them yet. This has effected my relationship with every single guy I have encountered whether or not it is sexual or just friends.
If you have had experiences like these, I am glad to listen and help. It is hard to talk about it at first, but it does get easier with time. I have found that the more you talk about it, the more you can start to heal.
It is easier for me to process things when I write them down. It is hard to work on yourself all in your head so, having them in front of you can help free up other thoughts that you haven't thought of in a long time or painful things that you have buried that you need to heal within yourself. This is my most recent 'blargh' letter to myself to help me heal.
To find yourself, you have to be able to identify who you want to be and who you would like to be perceived as, as well as what you don’t want to be and what you cannot live with in your life. Part of this journey is to eliminate negative aspects of your life and enriching yourself with positive influences when you have the opportunity to surround yourself with them.
My life has been a rollercoaster of events at times and predictable on others. These experiences have shaped me to who I am now and laid the foundation of what I will choose to be in the future. I can’t say that many of my choices have been the right ones or what I have told people in the past make me proud to be myself, but they have led me to be where I am now and I cannot regret those decisions.
I try to be unique in most ways. Normalcy has always bugged me, most likely because none of what I grew up with was normal. When we had company the traditional family was faked when people had come over, but quickly dissipated when others could see the cracks in the flawed monarchy my family and I had lived in. Thus over time people stopped coming over or were afraid to. This was all with good reason. Sadly, old habits die hard and even though my family had endured trauma that should never have happened, we tried to move on. We all had our individual rough patches afterwards and tried to deal with each other’s episodes, but sometimes things would get out of control. There were times when our subconscious would get the better of us and color reality so badly that they would perceive something out of context. It would lead down a path of personal destruction whether it was on the inside or out, hurting the people around them in the process because they thought that either the world was out to get them, or the people closest to them were trying to. It is hard to watch a person destroy themselves over a past dilemma that they never could get past due to not confronting the issue within themselves. I have been one of these people before. Although I have grown up, some residual debris has influenced my judgment, perception, and distorted my thinking from time to time.
For many years I was angry. At the world and the things that happened to me, but mostly it was at myself. I thought that I could have stopped the humiliation, disgrace I had to face nearly every day by either telling someone or saying no. It has always been a regret of mine that I never even tried to protest or scream…. I did nothing. I am still punishing myself for never trying to prevent it. I don’t think I will ever let myself live it down. I would have been able to get past it if I had just ‘tried’. It is one of those things I must settle l within myself, but I may not ever be able to due to the guilt I have over it.
The things I have done still haunt me, disgust me, make me feel so unworthy for any form of love that every time someone tries to extend a hand, the little girl inside me shrinks away. This is because whenever the nightmare was happening he would give me gifts and usually expensive. Thus creating the illogical paradox within me that whenever another offers me something, that they will have an ulterior motive. This is one of the reasons I can’t accept gifts from most people unless I have earned it. Blind kindness is not one of the things with I know how to deal with, I prefer giving. I suppose it is because I know it usually won’t backfire.
What I have learned from my 19 years on this planet is that when I set my mind to accomplish something, I am unstoppable and I will conquer any obstacle that presents itself in my path. I refuse to be held back by people too scared to let me go and take a chance on a crazy idea or two, for what is life without a little crazy in it? I am currently battling for my independence and wish to never have had to, but you can’t pick what life with throw at you. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, as long as you can climb out of that mental bomb shell, accept that it happened, confront the issues that came with the experience, then when you are ready, move past it, but do not let it rule your life.
Bad things may happen, but in the end, you will choose if it will define you. No one can make you be who you are not unless you let them. No one can emotionally disembowel you unless you let them. In the end, you always have a choice.