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Post by auntiewitch on Dec 16, 2010 15:11:50 GMT -8
Today I had someone cut me to the core, lay me open, dissect me, and hand me back to myself with all the parts neatly labeled.
I'd say she hurt me, but she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. What hurt was that somebody else could see that far into me. She told me I was the most broken person she'd ever met.
I hide so much of myself. She told me that the act I'm putting on is putting people off. I told her I'd rather have people not like what I project than have them not like what's really there. She said that she (an empath) can hardly stand to be in the same room with me, because I radiate that much hurt.
I would be agoraphobic if I could get away with it. I'm a hoarder who lives in what many would describe as squalor. I have never before admitted this publicly, at least not seriously. I leave things a mess around me because I can control the mess. I'm terrified of losing control. Trying to stay on top of things freaks me out because it's impossible.
She told me that I have a tendency to take someone's idea and instead of saying okay, I say, "well, you could...." and change it. She said it feels like I don't let anyone have a say or a last word and that I have to own everything. I told her that my intent was to say, "Wow, that's a great idea, and we could do this with it," but I realize that my need for control makes it come across differently now that she's talked to me. I told her that she needed to let me know when I screwed things up, and she said she'd be on me all the time if she did.
Before anyone attacks her, let me say that I needed her frankness, and I'm not hurt by what she said. I'm hurt by how much of the real me she sees, and by the realization that I'm letting fear and stress and anxiety rule me to such a degree that it hurts others.
How do I let go of the fear? The need to control?
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Post by kmcm on Dec 16, 2010 18:29:14 GMT -8
Talk therapy, you let it out with a professional who can give you specific things to focus on. I, too, have some control problems. You may be able to relate to them, I have a MAJOR paranoid fear of my children, and anyone else i care for, getting hurt. I have to focus on the fact that they will not be able to have normal lives, nor will they ever learn about life, if i keep them with me all the time. They go away for a weekend, and i freak out. Only on the inside, i try to keep my whacked out thoughts inside my head so i don't get "the look" from others. I used to be scared to feel. In general, i would keep myself emotionally numb. I detested myself and could never figure out why people liked me at all. I didn't know the root cause of it until last year. I began to heal myself before i even knew what i was healing from. ~~~~ You can over come your fear. And dammit, fear hurts just as much as any other pain. Don't EVER let anyone tell you different. Fear also can be controlled by painkillers, the painkillers for fear would be anti-anxiety meds, not necessarily antidepressants, but other things that help you stay calm. You say you are a hoarder, start with that one. Focus on throwing away anything made of paper that you don't need to keep. Get three boxes and tell yourself you can only keep what will live in those boxes. Put each of your girls' name on each box, and use the third for sentimental value things not directly related to the kids. Start with that, and then, if you want me to, i can suggest the next step. If you would like my cell number, you may have it. I offer it to everyone, you may text or call me at any hour, for any reason. I'm on the west coast and am up much later than most other people (except for maybe succubusdream, but i'm TRYING to make her go to bed earlier ) Most of all, use this board. Bitch, vent, complain, brag, etc. Let it out. You will never be considered a whiner, and you will never be judged. Everyone needs an outlet, i want to provide one for people.
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Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
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Post by Nico on Dec 16, 2010 18:51:32 GMT -8
Wow. It can't be easy for you to be so brutally honest with yourself. The times that I've had to be that honest with myself I felt absolutely horrible and isolated and alone.
A lot of people wouldn't even be honest enough with themselves to touch a fraction of that. And you just did it out in the open.
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Post by auntiewitch on Dec 16, 2010 18:56:23 GMT -8
Someone posted on another message board that she'd read a suggestion that each week you remove seven things from your home. That, I can handle.
The idea of just three boxes terrifies me.
ETA: I am twitchy when people have my kids. I just this past month managed to send them away for an overnight trip. I made myself not call. I'd like to say I handled it well, but if I'm brutally honest with myself, I only left my bed to pee, and spent the whole time they were gone in bed with the laptop. They go again during Christmas break, and I'm hoping I can get some of this house cleaned up during that time.
Someone promise to beat me if you get the impression I'm not holding myself to that.
ETA again: I've done meds; I was on Paxil but quit taking it the day Mom died. I'd rather feel too much than be numbed to it all, and honestly, I felt better OFF than I did on. It's hard for me to gauge the effectiveness when I've got the double whammy of both depression and anxiety.
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Post by kmcm on Dec 16, 2010 19:08:47 GMT -8
If you felt better off the Paxil then it may not be the right med for you. Ask your doctor for something different. You shouldn't be completely numb on meds, just more in control over how you are feeling. It shouldn't be as overwhelming as it sounds.
When my kids go away, i do my damndest to just sleep the whole time they are gone. I dose myself with my sleeping pills and zonk out. I miss them, and stress that they might get hurt.
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Post by auntiewitch on Dec 16, 2010 19:13:41 GMT -8
I think my problem is, I use my depression as the gauge and not my anxiety. So if I'm not as depressed, I feel better. I actually felt relieved when Mom died, because she was no longer in pain, and so the root cause of the depression was gone. The anxiety came back, but the depression was gone. So "better", but not really.
I don't like Paxil because when I'm on it long term, I withdraw easily if I take a pill late. I've taken xanax for panic attacks, but I'm not facing those daily any more (or even monthly or semi-monthly) and I refuse to take it regularly.
I know I should see a doctor, but part of the need for control is the need to control things myself. Which is what hurt so bad today - realizing I'm not.
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Post by kmcm on Dec 16, 2010 19:19:47 GMT -8
That's the first part of resolving this in yourself. The acceptance that you are not in control. I can understand hurting when you realize it. I do it repeatedly. Some days i'm fine, other days i'm overwhelmed by the need to run things.
It's hard because physically i can't do everything i want to do, and i sometimes refuse to accept that, overdo and hurt myself more.
Regardless of whatever anyone else says is wrong with you, you need to keep in mind that you are loved, respected and a really great person.
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Post by auntiewitch on Dec 16, 2010 19:32:32 GMT -8
Thank you.
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Post by winterwhispers on Dec 16, 2010 19:34:27 GMT -8
Look at it this way, you are TAKING control over it by going to the dr to provide the necessary means to gain the control. Make sense? I have to agree with kmcm. Therapy is very helpful. And trying a different medication would is a good idea as well. And, I have a feeling about this... because I do it... Throw away the medication side effects list. Don't look at it, don't read it. I say this because once I read it, I get panicked about the possible side effects list and wind up freaking out. I have a fear of loss of control to the medication and the possibilities that may come with it. By reading the information, it's reinforcing the fears for me. So by tossing it out, I'm gaining control over those fears by sqashing them before I have them, if that makes sense. I also ask for minimal information from the pharmacist, you know, checking interactions with my other meds and how/when to take the medication.
I'm on one of my muscle relaxers right now, so I hope this makes sense....
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aionis
Opening up
Princess of TMI
Are we there yet?
Posts: 62
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Post by aionis on Dec 16, 2010 19:57:28 GMT -8
I understand the fear that comes with getting rid of things. I'm a borderline hoarder, and I get panicky at the idea of throwing things out too. You're following some great advice already-- getting rid of a few things at a time. It's not quite as difficult that way, and over time it adds up.
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Nico
Three Digits!
burger emergency
Posts: 143
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Post by Nico on Dec 16, 2010 22:02:36 GMT -8
When I'm feeling completely overwhelmed by the amount of things that have to be done, and my complete lack of physical and mental energy to do them, I just adopt the policy of trying to get at least one thing done toward my goal per day, even if it's small. That way my momentum never stops, but I'm not pushing myself past my abilities, or beating myself up for not finishing a laundry list by the end of a day.
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Post by juniper on Dec 16, 2010 22:48:23 GMT -8
I think pain and fear go hand in hand. The more I hurt, the more I fear, and that's both physical and mental hurt.
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