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Post by riotgirlheather on Nov 18, 2010 7:19:11 GMT -8
Well, I'm now convinced that there is something wrong with me.
My ex called me up recently to tell me he still has feelings for me, blah, blah, blah...and still wants to be friends and hang out. So, we made plans to hang out today...after I realized that I still have feelings for him. I knew that I wouldn't let anything happen because I'm not a homewrecker, but it was nice thinking that I would have another friend to hang out with. Needless to say, you've probably figured out where this is going by now. He called me up this morning to cancel on our hanging out, goofing off, and catching up. I'm hurt and angry. My self esteem has hit a new low and I'm just not happy right now. I have denied my feelings for him for five years because I thought he hated me. It turns out that for the past five years, he's still had feelings for me.
I don't know what to think anymore. I mean it's good that if he's unsure of his intentions, that we don't hang out today considering his wife that he doesn't really want to be with anymore. I don't want to be a homewrecker. At the same time, I knew my intentions were noble and that I wouldn't let him do anything he would regret. So that pisses me off. He was my first love, and I still love him. Part of me always will. If something happens in the future, then so be it. If nothing happens in the future, so be it. I just want him to be happy, and he's not happy.
I've done the whole other woman thing and that's not a road I'm going down again. I lost a good friend, and lost respect for him and myself in the process. Different guy, obviously. I just want Matthew to be happy. I don't know how to get him to realize that my intentions are not to jump his bones, but I just wanna hang out, goof off, and be friends. We already almost ruined our friendship years ago when we broke up. I don't want that again.
FYI, he would've been the father of my first child if I hadn't miscarried. :/
Sorry, had to get that out. Grrr. I'm so mad at him right now. It makes me think he thinks my intentions are not good. And that is the opposite. Add that to my self-esteem issues and well...not pleasant.
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Post by kmcm on Nov 18, 2010 10:09:02 GMT -8
Have you considered that HIS intentions may not have been good? You say you know he's not happy, maybe he canceled out because of a guilty conscience.
Heather, you are young, smart, very pretty, but you are easily hurt. I think you need to find out who YOU are without needing someone else to complete you.
I've watched you grow as a woman for many years now, and i worry about the tendency to NEED to be in a relationship. You will never be truly happy with anyone until you are happy with yourself. And that's fucking hard! I hated myself for many years, and never understood why the guys i dated weren't exactly Mr. Wonderful.
As for your ex, i REALLY hope he's not just leading you on, keeping you on a string, with you hoping against hope that someday something happens again.
Many hugs, and really, there isn't anything wrong with you. At least not beyond the normal things. Everyone has shit wrong with them. It's just that you sure do know how to pick the ones who can hurt you the most.
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Nov 18, 2010 13:36:38 GMT -8
Mistress Heather, I do not think you are some sort of second string quarterback to be kept on the bench until the starter isn't wanted on the field any more. If he wanted you, he'd still be with you I think. There is nothing wrong wrong with you, just a normal person like kmcm said. many many hugs.
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Post by riotgirlheather on Nov 18, 2010 14:00:11 GMT -8
I told him, before I knew how he felt and everything, my advice. He told me that they're having problems to the point that he's told her he doesn't want to be with her anymore...and me having aced my psychology class end up giving advice on it before I realize the feelings and such...
I hope that he doesn't think that my intentions were to split him and the sea cow (I went to high school with the both of them and I stood up for her for years, beat people up, intimidated people into not making fun of her weight, then she decided to stab me in the back, thus ruining our friendship and unleashing an unholy mean streak a half a mile wide in me) up. I was really giving him the advice I'd give any friend. I told him that if he's not happy in his relationship and he's tried everything he could to make himself happy in his relationship, then he should leave. As hard as it is to change, as much as they would both have to deal with, it'd be better for them to split than to be together. It's better for his mini-me (his little boy, yes, I'm pissed because I miscarried my kid with him...lot of unresolved issues there) to see mommy and Daddy happy apart than miserable together and grow up knowing that they stayed together because of him, not because they love one another anymore.
Then I found out that we both still have feelings for one another and my boat on the river of denial was flipped over and now I can't deny it anymore. He and I didn't have closure like John and I did. I can hang out with John, call him Home Skillit and feel nothing more than the friend love I've had since we split and resolved everything. I can't do that with Matthew. It's so...grrr. Maybe if we'd had closure, neither of us would feel like this and we'd be able to be friends without that boulder hanging over our heads. Maybe not. He was my first love, of course I will always love him in some way. *shrug*
I know I'm awesome, sweet, cool, wonderful, talented, and dang cute to boot, but I know I have issues with relationships. I blame Cinderella and all the other Disney movies I grew up on. Add to that, that my mom has been married since she was 16, and it was ingrained in me that I have to be in a relationship. I get lonely.
Matthew's not the type to do that, John was and Charlie was, but Matthew wouldn't do that. The position was reversed years ago when I was in a miserable relationship (luckily not married with a kid, it's easier to dump someone when you're just dating) and I broke it off for him. I don't expect him to do the same, I just find the irony of it humorous.
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Post by riotgirlheather on Nov 27, 2010 23:46:18 GMT -8
I was just called a home wrecker. I haven't done anything to wreck his home, nor would I. Stupid bitches think they know everything. ARGH!
To elaborate further...while it would not break my heart if he were to leave his wife, I wouldn't be the cause of it. He's been talking about leaving her since before we both admitted our feelings to each other. Now it's all making me mad. Just because I'm friends with him, and yes, I do love him, and dated him back in the day doesn't mean that I'm trying to break up his marriage. His friend either needs to shut the hell up or learn some more about her friend. Or both.
Now, if it'd been on of a former flame's friends, I could see it. I kind of participated in an affair with him. Proud of it? Nope. Would I do it again knowing what I know now...nope. Did I enjoy it at the time and think he was going to leave his girlfriend and we'd live happily ever after...yep. I was wrong, and so was he. This isn't the same though. I am not going to do any thing to break them up. If he decides to finally go through with his threats, then I will be here, but I will not be the cause.
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Nov 28, 2010 7:20:05 GMT -8
ugh, why do you pay credence to what this idiots say? you can not be held accountable for what someone does if you're not out there doing stuff while they are together. they are adults last we checked, and can make up there own minds.
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Post by riotgirlheather on Nov 28, 2010 7:32:48 GMT -8
I know...even if I was trying to break them up, which I'm not actively doing, it wouldn't be any of her buisness. It drives me nuts that she's being such a spiteful little bitch though. I'm thinking she's one of the wife's friends, honestly. I realized after my calm, strangely calm, bitchout session that she knew exactly who I was because of Matthew's tagged photo of one of our prom pictures. I just wish bitches like that would drop dead...or at least get close enough to me during the zombie apocalypse so that I can trip them and make zombie food of them.
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Nov 28, 2010 8:36:47 GMT -8
that sounds good..or trap some zombies somewhere then make it into like a fight the the death pit where you can drop those people and they do combat against the hungry undead
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Post by riotgirlheather on Nov 28, 2010 14:59:28 GMT -8
I wouldn't give them weapons...and their hands would be tied behind their backs...and their legs would be tied together.
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Nov 28, 2010 15:47:42 GMT -8
lmao..ok hun...
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Post by riotgirlheather on Nov 29, 2010 0:20:36 GMT -8
I just really hate losing friends over stupid, petty bullshit. I do love him, yes, I always will, but that doesn't mean that I'm going to try to jump his bones every time I see him. I have restraint, and I do have some morals. Not many, but they are there. I just wish he'd tell me why he isn't talking to me. I can probably guess, their names both start with an S and neither one is his wife. I'm just so blind-sided by all of this. Nothing will be the same now. He swooped in, dropped his bombshell, and ducked back out when the truth apparently got to be too much for him. If, one day, he does leave his wife or vice versa, and he wants to give it another go...I'll be up for it, unless I'm in a happy relationship by then...doubtful, but more unlikely things have happened.
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Nov 29, 2010 1:22:30 GMT -8
hun, i'm not sure if this is the best idea, as if he can do all this stuff to you now i wonder what he can do to your sanity when you guys get together. but i'm wayyyy too inexperienced to really tell you what to do, so all i can really ofter is hugs. *SUPER MASSIVE POWERED HUG*
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Post by riotgirlheather on Nov 29, 2010 2:02:36 GMT -8
Now, he has the power to just disappear. If we were dating again, not so much. I think I'm going back on this loop because I've been rejected so much lately. They either leave me for bigger girls or girls with less brain. He chose one that was both after we split and now he's regretting it. I think, and have since I met him, that he's bi-polar too. His moods shift about like mine do. He's probably freaking out. The problem lies in that when I'm depressed, he seems to be manic. When I'm manic, he seems to be depressed. The main guys I want are either married (Matthew) or super-mega awesome stars (Gerard Butler) who will never know I exist...or live in Ireland or Scotland and won't know I exist. lol. I'm just about to give up and stockpile some chocolate and become a hermit. At least the chocolate will boost my seratonin levels where I won't be so depressed about being a hermit.
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morciel
Three Digits!
He who helps, as much as he can
No reason to think, or feel. Just breath in and out. As the song says, nothing else matters.
Posts: 230
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Post by morciel on Nov 29, 2010 7:42:04 GMT -8
nah, push comes to shove we can get a log cabin together and be hermit room mates. then at least i can give u all the seratonin boost that chocolate does without the calories
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Post by riotgirlheather on Nov 29, 2010 9:10:47 GMT -8
I love how my brain works...you might wanna explain what you mean by that...lmao. Although, this is the first time I've giggled in days. I wouldn't be a normal hermit, there would be electricity and groceries.
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